Reaching out for emotional support can often make us feel vulnerable. We tend to think that we should be able to do everything ourselves and that we are weak if we need help. How do we overcome this?

Through my journey of working with people, I’ve begun to understand and respect the whole range of emotions that we all experience in our own unique ways. Every emotion seems to be here to serve a purpose and to help or guide us through life. I’ve noticed that we’re able to understand what our emotions are trying to tell us a lot better when we stop judging or fighting them and simply try to be present with them. 

Unfortunately though, many of us learn to feel a sense of shame when the emotions we experience aren’t positive ie. hurt, anger, envy, etc. And, if we feel ashamed of our own emotions, it may seem likely to us that others will judge us for them too. This fear of being judged or rejected by others, often keeps us isolated in our distress. 

Why struggle alone?
We all have an enormous ability to overcome and survive hardships. Unfortunately, that doesn't exclude us from experiencing tremendous pain and exhaustion when undergoing these challenges. Our pain is hard enough as it is, but going through it feeling all alone can make it so much harder to bear. This cannot be fair for any of us to go through. 
 

It’s really unfortunate that we pick up so many unhelpful learnings that tell us that we’re not worthy of support or kindness. This is just not true. Each of us deserves kindness, care, and support, especially when we’re struggling to overcome distress on our own. In fact, this might even help us overcome our hardships faster or with greater ease.

What gets in the way?
I understand that reaching out for help can be scary for a number of reasons. What if the person we reached out to doesn’t respond well? Could this disappointment add to our original sense of hopelessness and make our pain worse? And what if they just don’t care? 
 

A “no” from a loved one may translate in our vulnerable minds as rejection, and it’s absolutely normal to feel hurt by it. Our support system, however, might just be trying to communicate their own limitations, and not that we are undeserving of their support. A helpful exercise here would be to try and assume best intentions from our loved ones, even when they are unable to show up for us. 
 

It’s also quite normal to feel like we are burdening others with our worries, and to feel guilty about doing this. But maybe it’s ok to let people decide if they have the time or the energy to support us, without us making that decision for them.

Help them help you!
Sure, it would be ideal to build our resources and support ourselves meaningfully through our own distresses. But, coping doesn’t have to look like punishment. There will be times when despite our best efforts we will need external support, and there is nothing wrong with reaching out for it. 

It may help to remind ourselves that although they have every intention to be helpful, not everyone we reach out to will know how to support us. Sometimes, hard as it may be, it helps to tell people what we need from them. Saying things like:
 

“I just want someone to hear me out,” or 
“I want you to tell me that this will pass,” or 
“I want to be held,” can all be useful information to let our support system know “how” to show up for us. 

Giving and receiving support is a process that requires all parties to work together with patience, kindness and forgiveness. We won't get it right the first time, or even the second, but it will be worth it when we jointly create systems where we know how to support ourselves and each other in meaningful ways. 

Let’s remind ourselves again that all of our emotions are valid and they are our body’s way of telling us that it needs help. It’s ok to reach out for help without judging it as weakness or failure. If we used the same kindness on ourselves as we would on a loved one who’s in distress, we may truly come to believe that we are all worthy and deserve to be supported in our struggles.

And maybe it’s ok to try and let go of this old pattern of isolation in distress and open ourselves up to our support systems. Pain can be easier to bear when shared.